FRIDAY LIGHT

FRIDAY, THE DAY AFTER THURSDAY

Thursday was the day the shift happened. Thursday started off quiet, all we could do was wait and see. Waiting to see what Michael was going to choose. He was fighting to stay here on this earth but there were so many obstacles to overcome. Not that it was impossible but for this situation I just wasn’t sure he would be up to the challenge. You see, he was just wrapping his brain around the heart transplant. Now not only was he off the transplant list due to the massive brain hemmorage, he would have to be viable to receive a heart. He would have to recover from the brain surgery have all cognitive functions in place and if that was to happen, I imagined him doing rehab with his pumps. It all looked so daunting. Michael wanted to live but in his mind that did not including spend a big part of his precious life in a hospital. To him this was not “living”. Some may have a different perspective, but everyone is different and every journey is different. Yes, Michael wanted to live, he chose to do what needed to be done to get his transplant. He knew there was support but there was also so much uncertainty and risks. He struggled so much in the beginning. It was hard on so many levels. His friends didn’t know how to face him. He had support, yes but its the day to day grind. The lack of community and a place to be, to interact with his peers. This was hard to watch. Near the end I saw him finally find his routine with his friends, fantasy football or game day etc. I saw some make intentional efforts to get together or visit. This made all the difference. Little did they all know this would also serve as thier goodbyes to Michael.

*If any of his friends read this: I want you to know that you made a difference. He needed you. Friendship, kindness, time is everything. It is what matters. It is how LOVE is spelled. You showed Michael love. His final days were happy. He was so excited about the cake he ordered for game day. It was his final joke.*

Back to “the shift”, that Thursday night was quiet. Anthony went to church to pray for his brother and a few of us were at the hospital. I went in and had some alone time with Michael. I talked to Michael, I told him it was his choice, he can stay and fight. We will believe for miracles together but if he wanted to go be in his eternal home that was ok too. When I walked out of his room I met some friends in the waiting room. We talked for a bit, they said I seemed more peaceful and I told them I felt a shift. I really wasn’t sure what this shift was just yet but I did feel peace. Then Anthony came back from the church service and told me he had two visions. In Anthony’s mind he was trying so hard to hold on to hope and tried interpreting the vision to something more positive but I knew exactly what it meant. I cant describe the feeling that overcame me. So many emotions and feelings all at once but I pushed them aside as I knew I needed to be clear headed. I did not want to let one ounce of doubt come into my mind. I needed to leave room for whatever miracles may come. I had that mustard seed of faith that could move mountains….or so I thought. This is one of my many stuggles and will take time to process. As I can see now the miracles came in other forms. Sometimes we just need to be open and trust God knows best. Again I know this is not Gods best for us, He doesn’t want this but we live in a broken world. Michaels cousins decided they would spend the evening with him watching videos, laughing and I was encouraged to go home and rest. I was so thankful for the ER nurses who facilitated and allowed us to go in and out. They were witnessing a life changing event. These nurses later told us how impressed they were with us all. The love, the peace, the family support.

Friday morning I was there early and went in first thing. The 6th floor ICU waiting room at Saperstein Tower looked like a bunk house with bodies strewn all over. My family had set camp and taken over the 6th floor. Beautiful act of love. I walked in to see Michael and the first thing I always would do his hold and kiss his hand, I would smell his scent.

This particular morning I did this and I knew that he was on his way out. The doctors immediately called to meet with us to tell us the news and explain how the pumps were stopping. Now the brain swelling wasn’t the issue but the pumps that were keeping him alive were shutting down. There was nothing more they could do. I knew Michael had made his decision. The meeting with the doctors was surreal. Not a dry eye in the house. For a moment the doctor giving us the news did not think I understood because of my response. I already knew, I wasn’t shocked, I just said “ he’s blessed, he’s going home” I think the doctor was thinking I was in denial. I explained that Michael was blessed to be going home to heaven. There were sobs coming from the family as we walked out to the waiting room to tell everyone. I invited all the family to come and say their goodbyes. The day was a blur we were asked if we wanted a priest or a Chaplin. I asked for a Chaplin and the usual one was not at the hospital at the moment but someone came. Not sure how but I imagine a nurse must of made some calls. The timing was perfect. We called for everyone to come fill the room. We were going to pray, the room was so packed that people spilled out in to the hall. We all held hands, bowed our heads and the Chaplin proceeded to anoint Michael with oil and pray out loud. I hear The Lord say “Look up” and I see my beautiful family praying and crying. This was my vision and it happened, but like this?!? In that moment I said again “I trust you Lord, I dont have to like it but I trust you”. My cousins daughter began to sing Amazing Grace and it sounded like a choir of angles singing with us. This moment was truly super natural, and my mother captured it with a photo. Gods presence was most definitely there and I imagined Michael seeing us all from above. This was Friday June 2, 2017.

Saturday June 3rd at 11:11am Michael officially left this earth. It was so surreal and still so much to say. This will be my next blog.