Some mornings I wake up and for a moment its just a new day, time to get up and get things done but only for a second. Its different now, everything is different. This morning I realized why its so hard and sometimes exhausting just to get out of bed. I’m usually a pretty positive person, for example I know the first thing I need to do is pray, connect with my maker and get my mind and spirit right. I know I need to be thankful and pray for those on my heart. I know the 'what' and the 'WHO'.... I know where to fix my eyes but..... why is it so hard? Grief is exhausting, it takes a lot of energy. My brain is being rewired, all this is not for nothing, it is just life, and it truly is what you make of it. It is not what happens to you but how you respond to it. I have good response days and I have very bad response days. Again.....why is this SO HARD?!? There are several analogies that have come along but this morning I had an “AHA” moment, about 20 or so years ago I had a minor accident. I was visiting my parents and was in my moms kitchen. It was in the middle of reconstruction and they were showing us around. There were some pieces of Corian that had been cut for the counter tops. The kitchen is small and as someone was walking out of the kitchen they knocked over a piece of the Corian counter that had been cut and it fell just right and scraped a big strip of skin off the back of my leg. It was all white and at one tiny point of the scrap you could see muscle. It looked bad but it was not a deep slash that would need stitches, still my mom said I would need plastic surgery to fix it. I did not want to go to the doctor and have more damage done because if they stitch it up it would look worse (I was right because it doesn’t look that bad now). We put ointment on it and wrapped my leg. It burned and it looked worse as it started to scab up and heal but what could I do? I just went on with my day, I had a family to tend to. When I get hurt I usually ignore it as it whispers to me “ouch” but when it starts yelling at me I pay attention. Well, my nice big scrap was whispering at first, it stung but mellowed and I ignored it. A couple of days went by and I went on with my life then about day 3 or 4 I woke up practically screaming in pain or I should day it was screaming at me! What the heck??? The wound was healing fine why is it hurting so much? Then I realized that the scrap was so deep that it affected the nerves. The nerves were doing their work. I don’t know the technical stuff but even in the pain I felt a peace that this pain was temporary and the nerves were reconnecting, rewiring somehow. This is what is going on in my brain, in my heart, in my gut. My body is rewiring. The pain that jolts me out of bed some mornings is normal. I’m learning to accept this is part of my healing. I need to be thankful that I loved my boy this much. Just like that chunk of skin that was scraped off my body left a scar and caused much pain, so too my whole being has a chunk missing and it WILL cause much pain. This pain is a good thing, its healing. I’m being rewired. Much like with my injury long ago , I didn’t let it stop me from doing what I needed to do but I also learned that that I had to listen to my body. I had to rest if it kept me up at night. I had to avoid doing some things, I could not go swimming or even exercise. I had to take it easy while I healed and that was frustrating at times but that was ok. I know it was getting better and I just had to be patient. The scar took a long time to heal and is still there but you have to look for it. The piece missing from my heart will always leave a scar and a part of who I am but it won’t be my identity. I am inspired by many who were impacted forever by a great tragedy or loss, an accidents or illness that caused much damage or born without limbs and have overcome their “pain” or better yet use their situation to shine. Their disability, their scars are not their identity but its what they use to shine and glorify God. They use their life for a greater purpose. When you hear them speak you no longer see their scars or missing parts, you see something greater in them. Ask yourselves “what do I want others to see in me?” I know many see my pain right now and thats ok,
ts temporary. My healing is in progress and I’m good with that.
Here are links of people who inspire me...
https://youtu.be/QbJaM_EneMw John 2:10
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