When we think of the Holidays many get so excited with anticipation. Typically, it is a season of joy, but for some it is faced with dread. Whether it is strained relationships or financial difficulties or just plain loss. I cant say I dreaded it this year but I can say I went through a period of numbness. I guess with years of disappointments, struggles and the loss of my son my heart just went into protective mode. I do know how to “choose joy” and put on a brave front but it doesn’t take away from how I was feeling. I was very thankful for the blessings that surrounded me and have learned to ask for support or help when I need it but when a person is numb sometimes they don’t know what they need. That is where I turn to the thing I know is my baseline, my foundation, the truth, the word of God. Still the months blurred together as if I was just trying to “get through” it. This is not a way to live and definitely not the abundant life Jesus promises in John 10:10.
Meanwhile as I moved through this past holiday season, I pressed on sometimes in a grin and bear it kind way, all the while God kept speaking to me “JOY JOY”,
Me: Grin and bearing....”Yes Lord” “Ok Lord, JOY ”
This “joy” he talked about was on a shelf maybe saving it for the right time? I don’t know but it was set aside somewhere collecting dust. We often do that to ourselves. God keeps trying to show us and we push it aside, self sabotaging. Remember two of the greatest commandments is to love our God with everything we have and then love our neighbors (others) as we love ourselves. The problem is for many of us we do not know how to love ourselves. We have some internal dialogue repeating in our minds of something that was said to us by a parent or a teacher or someone who had a lasting impact, again why Christmas can be so challenging, but for many of us grieving a great loss, the holidays can get hijacked. Grief takes precedence over it all, the whole season is so triggering on many levels. So many should of‘s and if only’s. Everywhere we turn are reminders of our loved ones. A song over the loud speaker at the store, a favorite childhood game, the family gatherings minus one....Sigh....and we are supposed to have joy?
Finally, I prayed, I turned to the only one I knew could help. The only truth I know “OK Lord, you want me to have joy or feel joy?!? Then please help me!” So he did!
It says in the word we have not because we ask not in Mathew 7:7, It also says in James 4:3 that we dont have when we ask with wrong motives. As I sat in silence spending time with God and looked up what He has to say about joy I felt a shift. This shift happens when we allow His word, His truth wash over the painful words or painful grief in our minds.
*Michael several years ago.
From that moment it seemed everywhere I turned the word JOY was standing out. It was almost a game and made me laugh. It was kind of fun. I heard him say “I am all the joy you need just be with me and I’ll fill you up, you don’t have FEEL joy.... JUST BE”
Ok, so I’ll just be in him and his joy will fill me up....hmm, It sounds supernatural... thats because it is!
It’s the stuff many try so hard to do but you see it is not of our own accord, it is not something we can force its a gift that he freely gives a we need to do is believe and receive. As Christmas approached I felt more peace and more joy. It is hard to explain how a person can feel the pain of loss yet still have joy. When I saw this picture my son Anthony recently took of me I immediately thought of how this works. Just sitting with Him, resting in Him, being still, being in the moment allowing Him to illuminate me, infuse me with his joy.
”Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30 MSG
I realized that my anchor is in heaven, a piece of my heart is in heaven. Heaven is my true home, I am just passing through to live my dash. We all are living this dash here on earth. We all have a purpose and something we need to do that will have lasting effects for generations to come. Not all of it will be seen until we have those final moments and we will have to give an account. We will see how we had an impact either negatively or positively. Start today because you have a purpose.
The following video is inspiration that encouraged me as I ponder these things the past few weeks. I hope it encourages you as well. I know I will probably continue to have rough days and challenges in life but I know where to turn to get my mind and my heart right, I know where to turn to receive healing. As for me, I will rest in His truth.
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