This past mothers day would not be like all the others. There are some good memories and some, not so much, but all in all it is a day to remember what or who gave me the privilege of being here on this earth and also the honor of being called mom or momma or mommy. The privilege of entering this elite group. Motherhood is rough no matter how you look at it, yet at the same time almost magical. From the moment I became pregnant with my firstborn to my final and third child, I felt joy unspeakable. When I was 4 months pregnant with firstborn Anthony 34 years ago, I was blessed enough to have an encounter with God that changed my life. This greatly changed my perspective on life, motherhood and even grieving in many ways. Sadly this Mother's Day I was forced to face and process this new loss in my life, this rough part of my journey as a mother. I had to choose to focus on joys and blessings even through the obvious pain. This pain, this "thorn in my flesh" has caused me to feel so weak! There are so many days that I wake up and really just want to stay in bed curled up like a ball. I am so thankful to have Gods word to lean on when those days come and this particular morning I was reminded that in my weakness He is strong, 2 Corinthians 12:8-10. No problem, I don't have to be strong, I can do "weak" especially this day. It's funny that once you embrace this truth it allows you freedom to just be. It's ok to feel the pain, there is no denying it, but it is how we choose to respond to this pain that will determine our outcomes. When a person is grieving this all becomes a difficult task but not impossible. I guess one of the reasons I share my story is in hopes to encourage another momma, that she can get through it even if is just day by day or moment by moment.
Lets get back to Mother's Day, personally I think Mothers day should be a big deal, mothers sacrifice so much,and many times more than we can ever realize. Often the work that mothers do can be taken for granted, and on this day it should be acknowledged (maybe now I will get that massage I wanted next year!) LOL I may be light hearted as I write this but the day was difficult for me and I did my best not to show it, even though some of the moments were rough. As the day was ending I decided to take Michael's dog Jake for a walk in the park, I also wanted to take Anthony, my oldest son to see the tree we had planted for the upcoming one year memorial. We both agreed that a brisk walk on a heavy day would be good for the soul, It helps with the blues. When I am feeling especially down I try to take a walk, fresh air and sunshine truly is good medicine and there is science to back it up. As I was getting ready to take this walk I received a text from one of Michael's friends wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day"! This may be a small thing for some but it was such a gift !! Don't ever discount seemingly small gestures like these, you never know how powerful a small act of kindness can be.
Off we went to go for our walk and see the tree. The time was perfect, the sun was setting, the weather was beautiful. One of those moments that can take your breath away just because, but still the pain in our hearts could not be ignored. Sometimes in grief we need to be able to share our thoughts or regrets to just process how we are feeling, so we walked and talked. I think my family thought it was best to pretend all was good and not acknowledge the obvious void where Michael once occupied, but now we were just letting it all out. Anthony and I shared and cried as we found a spot by the tree. We sat for sometime having deep conversation all the while three young men were behind us on another picnic table. They were just hanging out and maybe some may have thought by their looks they could be trouble but we didn't really think that. I had this desire to go talk to them and I didn't know why. My thought was why aren't they with their mothers?
Anthony and I started walking to the car but I just had to turn around, I know now the Holy Spirit was prompting me to approach them. I didn't know what I was going to say but I started walking toward them, Anthony didn't question me, he just turned around and followed. As I walked up to them, one young man looked at me and smiled, I said "Hello, you may think this is strange but I just wanted to say hi and talk to you because I lost my son about a year ago and this is my first Mother's Day with out him and you all look around his age.... then the young man smiled even bigger and said "I don't think it's strange because I lost my mom when I was seven, every year for Mother's Day she sends me someone" We both teared up and I just hugged him. The other young men were so compassionate and nice, they asked questions about Michael and the tree, I asked about them. We had a beautiful exchange, I was able to share my faith and how there are no coincidences with God. We ended our time with prayer and I told them how a few moments ago my heart was so heavy and now I felt such joy. Sharing LOVE and Kindness brings joy. This too was a beautiful gift. The miracles happen but not always how we think. This Mother's Day was special after all.
Thank you Liza. As moms who have lost CHILDREN we can all understand. THANK you for sharing