Remnants of Michael’s work. He loved barbecuing. He was here last, this burnt onion says “Mike was here” Trauma then time happened and I procrastinated facing the Grill. I guess today is that day. Everyday is that day. To many things still to overcome. The kitchen, the grocery store, favorite restaurants the Cran Grape juice in the fridge that he craved. I don’t want it to go away. I want to save that burnt onion he cleaned the grill with. I will throw it away but not without this ripping pain in my heart. Sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. It’s my truth. It’s my process. Michael grilling for us. Happy times, Grilling was serious business for Michael. We had to have all the right spices, sauces etc. If it was going to be done, it had to be done right! I was a happy momma this night. My boys in the kitchen cooking together. It was shortly before Michael became sick. In fact his heart was already battling but we did not know it.
Simple moments aren’t simple anymore when they cant be had ever again. I will treasure every smile and happy moment in what was such a difficult and painful time. Yes, so thankful for memories.
Sometimes my heart remembers before I do. Special dates, memories… As I hugged my hubby tight this morning, I recognized that extra pain but I didn’t realize at the time why. When it is a new month or a certain memory, the pain just comes. Many ways and out of nowhere. Why do I feel the need to acknowledge each month as it passes? Or acknowledge certain memories or need to talk about my son to perfect strangers? I ask myself “Is that weird?” I can only think of what new moms do. Celebrate each month of their babies new year. Their growth and new discoveries or just plain pride of their babies. Is it weird I still want to do that?All I can do is cheer my son on as he enjoys his time in heaven, also like a new mother, who feels joy and pain or worry and amazement at all their child does or has done. I too am experiencing these things on a different level. Still, I choose joy, as hard as it is… I know that, The joy of the Lord is my strength and in my weakness He is strong. ☝🏼
I’m so thankful I don’t have to be strong. Every morning, the first second that my mind is blank then suddenly remembers what I have to face, I choose joy. The mornings when the pain in my heart wakes me up and I feel like I cant breathe, I choose joy. When my feet hit the floor and I feel like I am wearing lead boots, I choose joy. Some days I need to tell my face about the joy I am choosing. That is hard too, but I am trying.
Embrace every moment with your loved ones always. Tomorrow is never promised.
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